July 2012
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More unnecessary Trader Joe's product reviews
Diner Joe’s frozen mac and cheese. It’s better than crack. I do not know why jittery crowds of obese macaroni and cheese junkies were not blocking my access to the freezer case. The picture on the box might fool you into thinking this is Banquet frozen dinner fare, but it is non-homemade mac of the highest order. Don’t bother with the nearby “reduced guilt” version...
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“I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody...”
– Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country
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csutter1:
Artist: Baroness
Track: O’Appalachia...
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Wednesday Bullshit Session
Andrew: via reddit; Meanwhile, in Germany http://i.imgur.com/c4R4w.jpg
me: the age of American Exceptionalism is clearly over
Andrew: We have a bier bike. Your argument is invalid
me: it's not that we're fighting wars we can't win in parts of the world that don't see us as heroes, it's that we have not put a keg on a bike
Andrew: Let's fight the battles that we can win first
me: i propose that an american bier bike can not only bring about peace in war-torn countries, but that it can also heal the rift in our virulent political culture AND revitalize our depressed economy
Andrew: It all starts with one beer
Andrew: There's your campaign slogar
Andrew: slogan
Andrew: I AM SLOGAR
Andrew: RULER OF THE PLANET SLOGARRAZ 8
me: I already have a campaign Slogar, he's a 9-foot Ogre who carries a wooden club named Belinda
me: (the club is named Belinda, it's carved into the side and colored in with blood)
me: Slogar being the name of the ogre
me: anyway
Andrew: Of course
Andrew: Slogar vs. Grod: The Refightening II
me: Haha the second Refightening? I like it
me: clearly this is the third movie in the trilogy
me: you've got SvG, SvG: The Refightening, and SvG: The Refightening II
me: the most confusingly named Trilogy since the original three Star Wars were given the episode numbers 4, 5, and 6
Andrew: Hahaha
Andrew: "SvG II: The Refightening Rises" is the fourth film in the series
Andrew: Then of course theres a prequel called Slogar Begins
me: and then a collector's edition DVD of the second film (the best of the series, says critics) which features 45 minutes of added material: "SvG: The Refightening Redux"
Andrew: Right. The first movie was a plucky underdog that inspired a franchise. Critics agree the series really hit its stride in film two, before you inexplicably cast Meryl Streep as the romantic interest in Refightening II and were replaced as director for the remaining films.
Andrew: Reached for comment, you threw a pina colada at reporters and shouted, "What? She's hot for an old lady!"
me: Definitely removed from the franchise during Refightening II pre-production
me: Meryl was really excited about it!
Andrew: "She says to me, she says, 'Couldn't somebody cast me for once in a movie where I won't get nominated for an Oscar?' And I says to her, I says, 'Deal.'"
me: "Meryl," I said, "do you know any krav maga?" And she throws me this sly smile before tripping and pinning me on the concrete.
Andrew: It turned out that the studio had to buy out Meryl's contract in order to replace her with Scarlett J for SvG: The Refightening II, which meant there was essentially no money left to make SvG II: The Refightening Rises.
Andrew: Thus the choice to cast Frank Howard as Grod
Andrew: Sorry, Clint* Howard is who I meant
Andrew: I got confused by Frank Stallone
me: haha
Andrew: Stephen Baldwin played the villain
me: listen, I don't hold a grudge. Those studio heads did what they thought was right (even though, clearly, it wasn't). I will tell you this, though: Meryl Streep is the the finest actress in Hollywood, and easily its most lethal. Ask to see her swords sometime.
me: The reason they had to buy out her contract was that she stipulated either a $30m payout or she cut off a finger from each Exec Producer
me: her agent is EXCELLENT
Andrew: Nice of them to give her the uncredited cameo in Slogar Begins, though. No grudges held in Hollywood
me: She and I are developing a new script, trying to marry her acting chops with her visceral lethality. Tentatively titled MAMADD: Martial Arts Mothers Against Drunk Driving
Andrew: The movie opens with a scene of a cop arresting an apologetic buzzed driver on the streets of LA. The cop says something like, "listen, buddy, don't tell me no sob story. You should just be glad I found you before that masked vigilante did."
Andrew: Then you see the driver get hit in the neck by a poison dart from out of nowhere
Andrew: And there's a shadowy feminine figure on a faraway rooftop
me: yep, you nailed it
me: there's a heartwrenching flashback to when she lost her only son in a accident caused by a drunk driver
me: and you'll see the exact moment her grief transforms into homicidal rage
Andrew: Coming this summer: A mother who walks a straight line... between grief and rage. She'll touch your nose... with a scalpel. She can say the alphabet backwards—and when she's done, she kills you.
Andrew: MAMADD. Coming August 10
me: Premiering at Cannes, winner of two awards at Sundance
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hoodinternet:
DANNY BROWN vs DIRTY PROJECTORS...
The Food Lab: For The Best Sun Tea, Forget The Sun →
Kenji over at Serious Eats, when not bringing his Frankenstein-style mad science to pork products, spends a lot of time testing the best and most consistent ways to make things. All the variables that went into this tea test are worth checking out, but here’s the short version:
Step 1: Combine cold water and tea in a glass or plastic pitcher at a ratio of 1 tea bag per cup of water. You can...
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Escape Plans
Buy distant plot of land. Build a tiny house or bring a tent. Live off-grid.
Drive west. Turn around when you reach ocean. Repeat.
Go back to school. Not grad school, trade school. Become a carpenter.
Get a job on a cargo ship.
Marry someone with a full-time career. Cook and clean. Feed the pets.
Stay in bed.
Quit Facebook. Turn off your phone and computer. Disconnect.
Move back home. Get...
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redr0ver:
every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself
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“A semicolon links two balanced statements; a... →
Mary Norris is doing some fantastic work over at The New Yorker, such as her short essay on euphemisms for “fuck.”
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"The Joke's on You" by Steve Almond →
Over the past decade, political humor has proliferated not as a daring form of social commentary, but a reliable profit source. Our high-tech jesters serve as smirking adjuncts to the dysfunctional institutions of modern media and politics, from which all their routines derive. Their net effect is almost entirely therapeutic: they congratulate viewers for their fine habits of thought and feeling...
Nick Offerman interviewed at the A.V. Club →
No one interviews better than Nick Offerman.
The lessons I took from my sensei that are some of the most profound and that are still with me constantly—and the one that comes to mind in the context of our conversation—is, in the Shinto discipline, which is a sort of adjunct of Buddhism, they try to maintain the attitude of a student throughout their lives. They recognize that, as human beings, we...
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The Mysterious Disappearance of Peter Winston →
In chess, there is a situation known by the wonderfully pungent German word zugzwang, in which a player cannot make a move without worsening his or her fate. There is no solution that will eradicate the problem, no way for the player to win. At that point, the player can keep resisting or accept the futility of the situation and resign. The word applies all too well to the last documented years of...
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Bob Odenkirk's Vision of the Future →
It’s the year 2367 and all food is gluten-free. No restaurant, grocery, or bakery serves anything with gluten in it, and guess what? Everything still tastes great. This is because a consortium of scientists of all nations, now united under the umbrella of the “Socialist States of America” and led by their leader, “The Obama-Tron,” have devoted millions of hours of research and effort into...
