Trader Joe’s products I wholeheartedly endorse

Charles Shaw red wine: I don’t know who buys the white wine but I can only assume they are dead inside. Let us mourn their twisted fates and move on.

Name Tag Lager: $0.50 a can, comes in $3 six packs. Why gamble on the other store-brand beer? Save your money for the drinks that count (or buy more Name Tag and Charles Shaw). Serve cold.

Frozen meatless corn dogs: these will make you fat and happy. Replacing mystery meat hot dogs with mystery soy hot dog alternative is really a lateral move, especially considering how close they get the subtle mystery meat smell/taste. Bake, don’t microwave, like an adult.

Frozen spanakopita: crispy dough + spinach + ricotta + feta. Just have party snacks for dinner, no one will judge you (I am eating these right now for dinner, I will not judge you).

Lime sparkling water: the lime flavor tastes like fresh lime, unlike every other brand I’ve tried (which all tasted soapy). If I had gin, I would add gin (life motto).

Dried blueberries: eat the whole bag in one sitting. Or, less crazy, add some to a peanut butter sandwich.

Avocados, all forms: Joe treats avocados right. He’s caring and fun and attentive, like the ideal partner we all expect to find yet never manage to be ourselves. The pre-packaged guacamole is acceptable, especially for anyone looking to commit suicide by GuacDeath™.