I don’t think he’s making a habit out of it but Stephen Elliott has been dropping little bits of Mitt Romney anti-fan-fiction in The Daily Rumpus and they are odd and fun, like this paragraph, and like “Romney by Robert Bolano”. Snack-size satire.
Did you know in Ohio Republicans are extending early voting hours in Republican districts while shortening them in districts expected to go Democrat. How messed up is that? What does Romney stand for anyway? He stands for nothing. He stands for his own power and wealth. He stands for tax evasion, for keeping what you have, for sitting on a throne made of gold and inlaid with the rarest stones, while illegal immigrants tend his garden, and staring out over all the land, all of America, and then into the ocean where he sees schools of brightly colored fish, tax shelters in Bermuda, across Europe like the allied forces landing on Normandy, and then into Switzerland not like the allied forces, because Switzerland was neutral in World War II, but like Hemingway and his woman in A Farewell To Arms. There he sees bank accounts with $100,000 minimums, secret savings. Then into Russia. Home of the Kaiser. Home of Lenin and Stalin and now Putin. He sees the Pussy Riot trial, but has nothing to say about it. He see the murder trial in China of Gu Kailai, but has nothing to say about it. He sees the Persian Gulf and promises bombs. He sees Pakistan and promises bombs. He promises to end taxes for the rich and raise taxes for the poor. He eats fruit from modified crops specially designed to grow one perfect apple, or peach, and then disappear forever. Forbidden fruit that he never shares. He leans back and rests his head against his throne and says to no one, “I earned it.”